The next iPhone finally revealed

You've seen the rumored pics, you've seen the professional photoshop jobs of what the next iPhone should look like. But you haven't gotten the real scoop yet. We've got that for you! A team of specially trained Apple Matters ninjas recently invaded the depths of the Apple campus and got their hands on the new iPhone. Sadly, the ninja with the digital camera was killed by a surprisingly strong Tim Cook with a spleen punch. The rest of the ninjas escaped and were able to recreate the next iPhone under hypnosis. Or perhaps we poured a bunch of beer down Chris Seibold's gullet and gave him a marker. Either way, these renderings are spot on.

The new iPhone:

Yep, you're seeing the new iPhone. It is half a clamshell. The top part of the screen stays visible so you can see who's calling, read texts and chats. That's right, the new iPhone does iChat out of the box. The cool thing is that it also has voice recognition so you can just talk to respond to the chat. Imagine if you have an iPhone and your buddy has an iPhone you can conduct an iChat by simply talking, the iPhone will convert both sides of the conversation into text. It doesn't get any more direct than that! You have to call it "hawt." Next let's take a look at a partially opened iPhone (fig 2).

You're thinking "What is the deal with the half a clamshell?" Glad you asked. You know that the iPhone is a popular gaming machine so we'll take a look at all the gaming enhancements on the next phone. 

1. Pop up joystick

2. Gaming buttons

3. Dolby 9.7 immersive sound speakers. Yeah, you'll hear it in your liver.

The iPhone has added buttons but they are cherry nano switch buttons. Hours of gaming use. Still no Flash. You know why? Flash games are ad supported and Apple doesn't get a cut of that. If you want games you'll pay for them. But it isn't all about gaming. Heck no, the new iPhone addresses some of the problems with the old iPhone. Problems like no video chat, anemic image sensor, no video recording and so forth. How does the new iPhone right all wrongs? Take a look (fig 3)

1. A 200 Mega pixel cam is embedded in the joystick. Since the joystick pops up the new iPhone also has zoom functionality.

2. It rotates. Point the cam towards yourself for a video chat, rotate it make movies. iMovie mobile is built in so you can edit your movies in the field.

3. Memory card slot. Movies won't be stored on the iPhone, they'll be stored on removable memory.

4. Envelope printer. Expecting to use AT&T's bandwidth to up load movies is unreasonable so the new iPhone will print out envelopes so you can mail your movies directly to Youtube. Just drop your memory card into the envelope the iPhone prints and in 2 to 7 days you'll see your creation on Youtube. You'll also be able to pick the initial comment level from simply banal to completely inane.

All this this video processing takes computing power and that means cooling. Sad to say but the new iPhone will have a fan. As expected Apple is turning this lemon into lemonade. Ask yourself if fart apps are popular. Once you answer yes, ask yourself if Apple would risk upsetting developers by building the functionality into the iPhone. The answer? Of course Apple would. Apple is a consumer electronics company now and if consumers want flatus, they'll get flatus. Of course Apple goes the extra mile, just sound isn't enough, Apple adds the actual smell (fig 4):

1. Fan

2. Air direction flap

3. Partially digested cabbage (source of H2SO4)

4. iAnus. Responsible for the fart sounds. Adjustable (from Churchy to Frat Party) via the Settings app. 

So there you have it, the next iPhone. Sharp eyed readers will be wondering if there will be a camera flash. The answer is no. From the documents discovered by the ninja team a flash module was attempted but it proved impossible to make a flash bright enough to outshine the glow of the next iPhone. By the way the code name of the model is "F'n iPhone! What now? Damn!"