Confessions of a Steve Jobs Zombie

Finding myself outside Moscone at 4 AM the morning of the Macworld keynote lead to certain, unavoidable conclusion: I was in grave danger of becoming a Steve Jobs Zombie. In my heart, I felt that I was a bit different from the other folks shivering in the San Francisco pre dawn chill, but that is the purest form of self-delusion. Actions speak much louder than words and those sufficiently immune to the spell cast by Steve Jobs masterful marketing aren’t bothering to sit on a cold slab of marble while Hadley fetches coffee. The best case scenario is that perhaps I was only a half zombie, maybe it isn’t too late, maybe this is just the experimental phase…

As with any addict, justifications and rationalization serve to hide the truth, at least from yourself. Sure, I’m waiting in line at four in the morning but I wasn’t the first person in line, the first person in line….well, that bastard is crazy. But, it is still 4 AM, the only reason you can possibly be there that early is to assure yourself that you get into the keynote. You justify this by thinking that it isn’t your fault, if only you had gotten the media pass you so richly deserve you wouldn’t be in this terrible position. So, you’re not like the other people out there, you just got the screw job on the media passes, yeah that’s the ticket.

They say you can’t get better until you hit rock bottom but that is a bit like saying something lost will be in the last place you look. The statement is necessarily true so the observation is nothing more than a parlor trick. For those waiting to see the Steve note rock bottom comes hard and unexpectedly, a friend goes to retrieve some coffee when Starbucks opens at five. Since you’re uncomfortably cold but nowhere near hypothermia the chances of hallucinations setting and relieving your pain are miniscule. Instead, you’re sincerely looking forward to that hot cup of coffee. I imagine the banter: Hadley asks for a “large” they say “Venti” he swears “speak English you pretentious ****,” everyone chuckles. This is the nadir of line waiting, when you aren’t thinking about the keynote or even particularly interested in the thing, when you’re making up lame Starbuck’s scenarios. I wasn’t thinking about Macs or iPods, I was smiling stupidly to myself because of a unfunny and imaginary Starbuck’s joke.

The realization is depressing or, at the very least, sobering. But the moment the cold facts coalesce, the line starts moving. Unfortunately, what the I initially mistook for admittance into the building proves to be nothing more than a massive line shift (Apple was asking for a line six people wide). The erroneous conclusion was easy to reach, people were literally running to get back in line.

The remaining hours before the keynote don’t leave much time for introspection, turns out that besides being obvious Steve Jobs zombies the people in line are pretty interesting. A programmer from Virginia who specializes in GPS Mac connectivity, an IT guy from a school in Texas, etc. The conversation proves interesting and diverting, the people know what they are talking and seem like the kind of folks who might be my neighbors or something. In fact, short of the obvious brain washing by Steve Jobs I was hard pressed to find anything odd about these people.

Time passes talking with quickly met (and never to be seen again) friends and soon it is time to bathe in everything that is his Steveness. I may only be half a Steve Jobs zombie but I still feel inexplicable butterflies in my stomach. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for, can Steve possibly be all people says he is? Will he recover crashed hard drives with a wave of his hand, cure leprosy, remove society’s collective memory of Chairman of the Board?

With expectations like that, I was a little disappointed when Steve Jobs bounced onto the stage and started talking. Steve has charisma but not buckets of it, he talks well but is not a great orator, he’s energetic but not impressively so. Yet, he seems to get the most out of the skills and natural talents he does have. The longer he speaks the more I started to feel completely in Steve’s thrall. I began to actively believe that the iPhone is something insanely great, that it is the only thing remotely like it on the planet, that Apple had single handedly invented the next great thing that will help the world become a happier, friendlier place. It’s a freaking Mac in your pocket, a phone, this thing is everything, damn the prices man, I’ve gotta have it! Complete zombification was imminent.

Legend has it that once you are bitten by a vampire you have a few precious hours until the next dawn to avoid being a vampire for eternity. The same is true for Jobs zombification, if you can break the spell, even momentarily, before the end of the keynote, maybe you can remain a jaded fan. For me, that moment was when Hadley pointed out that the phone said Cingular. I have Verizon, no iPhone for me.

It is in that moment of clarity that certain realizations become unavoidable. When people go to see a band they wait in line to see a band, that is the end goal. They want to see the dry ice, the laser show, the flying pigs… When you go to see a Macworld keynote you’re going because you want to be sold. I might have justified the trip because I have to know the news to write informed stuff for Apple Matters, except that the news was available as it was happening. Hence, the only reason I was at the keynote was to see Steve Jobs, to kowtow to his Steveness, to show personal gratitude for all the great products his leadership allowed me to buy.

The entire mess is more than a little disconcerting. Why should I be cheering Steve for making something I might or might not want to buy? I don’t go McDonalds and clap for the backline guy for making a cheeseburger I might or might not want to eat. It is Apple’s job to make stuff people want to buy, the company (and Steve) are rewarded with profits if they are successful in this endeavor. Naked adulation of a CEO doesn’t do anything for Apple’s bottom line, it is at best superfluous and, more likely, a dark trick manipulate the media in hopes of fomenting runaway longing for Apple newness. 4,000 people going nuts for a pretty cool phone can’t be wrong can they?

The cynical thoughts swirl as the keynote continues, righteous anger bubbles towards the surface and I noticed the people around me more than Steve. “Look at these fools” I thought with contempt, “lined up like sheep for a shearing, and actually happy to be fleeced.” Then, the picture manipulation started, Steve was dragging and flipping snap shots with just his fingers and the phone did seem one step away from awesome. Mobile internet that is actually readable? I can think of moments when I’d use that. What’s this, Google maps right on the phone? Stock market info? Why the iPhone is even better than Steve is letting on, I can think of a million more uses for the thing. Screw the grand getting out of my current contract and picking an iPhone is going to cost me, imagine the savings compared to a video iPod, PDA, small form factor tablet PC, portable DVD player, digital camera, cell phone… Oh, and don’t forget a bitchin tattoo to make you look hip. Compared to the cost of all that, the iPhone is an absolute bargain. Oh, and the keynote? I’ll make hotel reservations as soon as I get back to Knoxville. Zombification complete.